The bus passes by my stop just as I am on the wrong side of the street.
It occurs to me that I could still flag it down, but I hesitate. I am and have always been terrified of inconveniencing other people; who am I to make all the other passengers on that bus wait for me?
I see the bus driver's head turn towards me.
Brief eye contact, followed by a gesture with his index finger pointing downward asking me if this was my stop.
Sheepishly, I nod my head, still hesitant.
He pulls over at the side of the road just past the intersection. I hurry across two crosswalks and leap from the curb into the bus. I look up at the driver and simply say "thanks" for lack of a better way to express genuine gratitude for the kindness of a total stranger.
I revised this, please tell me what you think!
Saturday, June 20, 2009
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My first thought maybe the first sentence could be more descriptive. Since it sets up the problem in the situation, and "just as I am on the wrong side of the street" is passive. But then I realized that maybe it's best that way because it makes it like, the fact that you are on the wrong side of the street is the only thing worth noting.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could spend more time describing hurrying across the two crosswalks, to emphasize how drawn out it felt?
PS: nice semi colon usage
"I look up at the driver and simply say "thanks" for lack of a better way to express genuine gratitude for the kindness of a total stranger. "
ReplyDeleteI feel like this last sentence is one of the most important. Throughout the poem you are so focused on the well being of everyone else rather than yourself. Whenever I see someone miss the bus, it's just one of those things that breaks my heart a little. Most people race up, without hesitation and yell or run. The poem is an interesting contrast to the norm. Maybe think about why. Why did you feel sheepish/guilty even for making the bus stop? What drove that? Why were you so concerned? The people would only have to wait two minutes. That's what I find really intriguing about this piece. Why that response to missing the bus, and then catching it? Answering that question could be really interesting.